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It never shows

I am afraid to hurt them. I am afraid to have them think it's my fault. I am afraid to let go. I am afraid what I will choose next. I want to let go. I don't know how. I need him in a sort of screwy way. I need him for the sense of society. My heart does not need him. My body does not want him. I just want them. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to be in any pain. Oh God please help me. I am already dead to him. There is no more life in me. I need to let go to breath, to live, to love. I don't want to hate anymore. I have this giant hole burning inside of me. All of his pain, his untrust, his failings is killing me. Slowly and tormenting. I want another life. One with love. With meanings. I want to mean something to someone, to feel belonged. To breath, to smile without it being forced. I want to hear, to touch, to smell....love. This feeling in my heart is not known. It's not love, It's not hate. It is unknown. My life has turned into an unknown. Your heart may still bleed, not mine. It is gone, it is hard, it is dust lost in the wind. It is hard to see through these eyes of mine. I love them. I love to look at them, to feel them, to touch their perfect skin, to hear their beautiful voices, to laugh at them, to smile at them. It is him who hurts. He doesn't know, he doesn't care. He is close, but so far far away. I was once torn, now I'm just micro bits blowing by. My mind needs a different view. My eyes need a different sense. My nose needs a different feel. My hand needs a different experience. My heart needs a different trust. I need to be different. I need to quench this thirst that is killing me, before it kills them. I need life. Nothing else will matter until then. Until this new life is fulfilled and this current life is done. I don't care what you think or know. This is me. This is what I feel. This is what I need. I ache for it. It burns inside of me. I thirst for it. I hunger for it. I need it, I want it, fulfill me, engulf me, torture me, to love me.

It's off for just the moment~

My oh My how the times do fly! I have no excuse for not keeping up to date. I've been on graveyards and just barely got off, I have no life, there has been alot happening and still I have not posted. To those of you who actually care i'm sorry.
 So where do I start. Let's see...last post was mid July ~ hmmm...next BIG thing was Christian's birthday, he turned 8. The BIG 8 the day life really starts for him right??!? So we had a birthday party for him on his birthday the 24th of July at the park by the visitor's center. It was ok, not everyone showed up and those that did well let's just say outta of 18 invited 8 showed up and outta 8 ppl 3 gave presents. What the heck. I always make sure my kids have gifts for the birthday parties he's invited to. Even for parties where both my kids are invited I make sure the "each" take a gift. Anyway it's better to give than recieve right?!? ha ha. 
Then us hicks in small towns celebrated our 24th of July holiday on Saturday the 26th. We spent the day in Monticello, watched the parade, went to the festivities in the park, went fishing/nap time, ate dinner at PJ's and played pool, watched Talon's band play, watched the ball games, watched the fireworks then traveled home. (Talon by the way is my neighbor whom has a band and they are quite good) 
Sunday Christian had his bishop's interview and passed *yay* he was supposed to be baptized that very next Saturday on the 2nd of August. 
But, then the judgement began. The week before Christian was walking home from the pool to gramma's and saw a bike at the elementary school that was just laying there. Hmmm he thought it is awfully hot and this would get me home quicker (ok i don't think he thought those exact words that's just me playing out the story) so he took the bike. But within the hour or so after he got to gramma's he knew what he did was wrong. But him being afraid of being arrested again didn't want to admit to gramma that he had taken the bike. So what does every kid do, try to blame someone else. He rode the bike to his cousins and then left it there. lol I know it's sad to laugh at his wrong act but common that took some serious thought. So that evening he was acting weird I asked him what was wrong and he told me the whole story. I was furious at first but then after I calmed down and talked to him we called gramma to come get him and take the bike back. (My car was indisposed) They got the bike and put it  back at the elementary school which is still there to this day. So I had this great talk with Christian and we prayed about what he did wrong and discussed how to not do it every again and did this whole repenting thing right. Well gramma tells Uncle Dee whom is supposed to do the baptism and I don't hate my brother and I'm not mad at him anymore, but he is the goody goody of the family and feels that it is in Christian's best interest to tell the bishop. What? Am I not good enough to help him repent (Candi I know what your thinking and just shhhhh!!) 
So Monday, the day right after his interview he call's the bishop and asks for a meeting. The bishop says what about and so Christian tell him right over the phone and this I will quote, "I stole a bike again but I put it back a little bit later." And the stupid (yes I said stupid) bishop says it's off. The baptism is off. RRRGGGG!!!! What the heck I helped him do the repenting, he prayed he felt good about it. The phone conversation was started and over with in 1.5 minutes. That's not enough time to make a decision, that's not right to do it over the phone and the dumb bishop didn't even give Christian a chance to explain that he did pray about it or repent. Nope, not one chance, wait let me see aren't we supposed to be pure of heart UNTIL we are baptised. Why the heck is he being judged so harshly now then??? 
Anyway I was pissed, I haven't been answering calls from my bishop and let's just say it was a good thing he wasn't in church on Sunday I would've let my mouth loose on him. So now we are just waiting for when the bishop thinks it's ok for my son to be baptised. That'll be the next big thing on our list. 
For little details...Taygen finally learned to sit up and he crawls like a stink bug, Kylan starts preschool next week at Lana's and I'm working days this month UGH! So that's it for now. We'll let you know more as the days pass!

Birthdays I forgot!!

I forgot some birthdays in the month I didn't write so I'm making my happy birthday wishes to you now!!!

To KEATON  - May 29th

To MOM - May 30th 

To KENDRA  - July 5

l♥ve ya!

No trust left...

 Hey all I'm on graves again so maybe you'll get more posts this month than just once in a great while. So I have a new blog spot. It is pokesdlt.blogspot.com it's more of a place where I just write how I feel. Not a place where I like to b!tch like this sight. I went to the doctor the other day to see why my arm has been hurting. Turns out I have tendenitis(normally known as tennis elbow-but the doc says in my case volleyball elbow) I made a flower bed yesterday. I went and got rocks and bic helped me put it all together, digging the dirt, planting the seeds, hauling rocks. Ya it was fun and good to spend time with each other.
 Anyway so what am I to b!tch about today is someone very close to me (no it's not bic) Anyway this person won't let me relive my life. I try so hard to forget what happened with me and bic in the past. Him cheating on me and being a jackass. I try everyday and pray that I won't think about it. and for the most part I do ok. Until this person brings it up and makes me worry and think my life is shattering again. 
Anyway, bic had the car at work today. I called him and told him I forgot Christians meds in the car he said he didn't want to come down then back then home again later. So I said I understand since are tires are bald. So I called my mom and she came to pick up me and the kids and we went to her house. Kylan had an accident on himself so I took him home to change his pants. When I get there the car is there. Hm. So I go in and start calling bic's name. He's not there. So I try to call him but no answer. My thoughts EXACTLY are: "he probably just came home to cash his check and went back with Delphine or someone else." So I go back to my mom's house and she asked me how I got my car. I told her it was just there when I got home and she said, "so where is he?" 
and I say, "probably at work."
she says, "are you sure?"
I say, "pretty much."
she says, "are you sure he's not at that girls house. the ONE he cheated on you with?"
I say, "why would he leave the car home?"
she says, "so nobody knew he was there. did you check?"
then I say, "what am I supposed to do, go to her place knock on the door and say, 'excuse me is my husband fucking you today?'"
she says, "well...?"
I say, "why do you have to remind me everyday about this. I'm sure he's just at work. he knew I needed the car so he found a way to bring it to me."
then she says, "ok whatever you want to think."
OMG isn't that just bitchy. How many of your mothers would do that?? I can't be mad at her though. She's just looking out for me but still I was so mad at that moment. And yes to those of you who know me well I did say "fucking" in front of my molly mormon mother. She doesn't trust him anymore. My trust for him is in a small line but seriously don't ya know when to quit. I wonder if that's why my sister is always so mad at her. She says things that are blunt but not helpful. Anyway so there's what I have to say. Not much of anything really. Just bullshit. 
Oh---Candi had her surgery yesterday. I haven't talked to her because I know she's gonna need her rest her mom said she is doing fine just way sore and tired. so it looks good. I'll fill ya in when I get to talking to her.
One more thing Byrd just found out she's pregnant!!! CONGRATS byrd and kyle. We l♥ve you both and can't wait to find out what your having. l8rz~
It's july and not much has happened. I fixed a music blog so you all won't be so bored reading about my boring life. Well it's 0400 and i'm pretty much outta of my mind right now. I don't really have anything to say that is of any importance so i'll just fill ya in on my life tomorrow. ok then. l8r~


Jobs, B!tches and more...

CrazyCrazyCrazy!! Isn't it amazing how some people with just through away their lives to prove a point? Common' people there's so much more to life than to be stupid. ok...that's all I wanted to say on that note. 

Next, things are good. I quit working at Visions Communications. Get this...I call in told them I couldn't come in because my son was sick and I didn't have a babysitter. The lady says I need to find someone to work for me. Ok so I ask for some phone #'s. She says, "well I can't give that to you over the phone." So I say, "Well how am I going to get someone to work for me then?" And she says come down here. I say I don't have a car, my son is sick and has an ear infection, I'm not walking down there to get phone numbers. Get this...she says, "Why didn't you plan this ahead of time?" What are you f*ing kidding me??? Who the hell plans on their kids getting sick? Um, BJ I think I'm gonna be sick next Thursday so I need the day off! OMG....anyways she's all either you come in or you don't and then I said and what if I don't? And she says then you don't work here any more. And I said great I guess I don't work there and I hung up. I feel bad because Brian gave me a chance and was helping me out because I told him I needed an extra job to help pay babysitters and Marcia was all for helping me get used to it and what not and I totally blew away their effort because one lady had to be a B!TCH. So there's my story on that. 

Yes I am still working at the motel but only part time. I pratically choose when I want to work. I'm kinda freaking cuz we have inspections tomorrow. Some freak from California is coming up from the main Comfort Inn to do it. I don't have an official shirt and Lita thinks a Lg is going to fit me. Ya I lost 24 lbs but still a Lg doesn't fit Christian. j/k Sorry baby, that was mean. But still. I think I'm gonna call in sick. lol j/k can't do that. 

Soooo, I really don't have much to say. Just putting in a word so Jen knows that I'm still alive. She reads my posts and e-mails me if I don't stay caught up. Anyhow..take care all and check ya later!!!



Current life in a nutshell...

 Amazing things have happened l8ly! Ok...I wouldn't say amazing but interesting enough to be counted for in this life. First off - My life sux. The only good thing(s) in my life is my kids. It's amazing they still love me when I can't provide for them the way I'm supposed to. I don't mean spoil them, they get enough of that from their grandma (Thanks Mom!) But I mean...uh, I don't know what I mean. Life is just so CRAZY.  
Second - I am now working 3 jobs, just to help pay the bills, mostly to pay daycare so my paycheck can pay the bills. I tried to quit one of them today. I felt so bad. Taygen was so excited to see me, and then I just dropped him off at another babysitter. He probably thinks...now where the hell is she going? Does she not love me anymore? What did I do wrong? You know...all the many thoughts that wonder through your head and you so BADLY want to quit your job but you don't want to ruin good relationships, you don't want ppl to think you can't hack it, you don't want a bad look on your job references, you don't want to hurt others (not family) but those that matter most it's ok to quit on them, it's ok to ruin your relationships with them, it's ok to let them think you can't hack it, it's ok to look bad in front of them, it's ok to hurt them...WHY?...because they are you family?...and these other ppl who are they??? Who the HELL are they? They're just ppl...whom you might see around town, so what. Are we afraid of them? We are afraid of everyday ppl so that we don't want to look bad...but our families we don't give a shit or do we? Maybe we care and we just don't know how to make reality work. EVERYTHING is perfect in someone else's world...but our reality or MY reality i'm just LOST completely lost!
Third - Bic got a job! The pay sux, the hours suck, he stinks like cow's & sheep's & pig's kuka when he get's home but hey it's a job! Hopefully he can start to drive for the company so he can get driving expierence and then maybe in 6 months or so he can get a way BETTER job driving for a company that pays mucho mulah! Nadawadamean.
Fourth - I'm almost done with Candi's book...I kinda got sidetracked and hadn't read for a while. But now i'm back and almost done. I like to loose myself in a book or a movie to escape life. To escape my life...turn off the phone and just get away...not physically but mentally. Just be gone for a couple of hours, that's all I want. 
On more thing....Fifth - I'm taking Hunter Safety. Bic can't hunt for the next 3 years. I asked ppl I work with to share their meat they all declined...BUT...I did have one offer to teach me to shoot and take me hunting. I told my husband I was going to take hunter safety and go hunting and he laughed at me. So this just determines me more to get it done. When I have time amongst the 3 jobs. Which by the way are Comfort Inn and stupid boring Visions Communications and of course the one job I will never leave I am STUCK like glue for good is the detention center. I just love it down here. Well that's about all going on for now. Talk with ya'll l8rz...

Are we gettin' Old??

Wow...It's May 13, 2008 my hubby's birthday...Old Fart he's 33 today!! Speaking of OLD does anyone out there feel they're getting old?? Not me! I mean i'm 26 and act like i'm 18. Or I want to be. I have 3 kids, been married for 7 years and I STILL don't want to grow up! Does anyone else feel that way! Is this a good thing or bad? Where I worked it could be good and bad, I just have to control my inner youth. And my attitude. Andy if your reading this i'm sorry I took my anger out on you last week...pms-ing. You know the deal. Anyway, I didn't mean all of what I said, but it's TRUE...life sux!